TheCoreWithin

One day, a radio report goes out, warning the town that, in the wake of torrential rain, a river is going to burst its banks, the rain will get worse, and town will be flooded, and to leave the town as soon as possible. Upon hearing this, the man assures himself that, as he is a religious person, and has put his faith in the Lord, he will be saved by the Lord.

His neighbour, on his way to leave, tells him "Haven't you heard the flood warning? What are you doing, get out of here! There's a seat in my car for you", to which the guy responds, "I believe in God. I go to church, and I pray. I have put my faith in the Lord, he will save me."

A few hours later, the water has rushed into the town and is half a story high. A motorboat is going through the town, looking for people stuck in the water. By this point, the man has had to move up to the top floor and he's looking out the window at the scene below. The motorboat stops and the driver shouts up at him, "What are you still doing in town!? Jump down and I'll get you out of here!".
"No thanks!", yells the man, "I believe in God, I pray, I go to church. I have put my faith in the Lord, and he will save me."

Several hours later the water has reached two stories high and the man is perched on his roof, waiting for the divine salvation that is surely coming. A helicopter passes overhead and from the loudspeaker, the pilot shouts down, "Hey! Hey you! On the roof! What the hell are you still doing here!? The whole town is flooded. Hold right there while we lower a rope ladder."
"No thanks", the man says to the co-pilot who climbed down the ladder, "I am a religious man, I have lived a pure life, I go to church, and I pray. I have placed my faith in the Lord, and he will save me."

Eventually the water surpasses the rooftops, and the man drowns. At the entrance to heaven he is furious, and after entering, demands St. Peter take him to see God. St. Peter obliges and the man gets an audience with the Lord.
The man breaks down. "I devoted my life to you, Lord. I was a good man, led a pure life, I went to church, I prayed, and I honoured my father and mother, and when I needed you most, you left me to die? Why did you do this, Lord?"
The Lord responds: "I sent you a radio warning, a car, a motorboat, and a helicopter! What in the hell are you doing here?"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping
trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they
were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his
faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell
me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and
millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it
tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I
observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce
that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all
powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

I liked them very much,,,,lolololol made a great start to sunday morning

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

A man was riding on his Harley along a California beach when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources.

"I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something that could
possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time, and finally he said, "Lord I
wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a slight pause, the Lord replied: "You want two lanes or four on
that bridge?"

(I just copied it from somewhere, not my opinion at all! :)

Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the
day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.

"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as
much time as you need."

As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the
job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late
in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man
slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.

As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"

"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."

"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules
as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?"

"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in
a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued,
"now HE was special !"

With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself
and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an
amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the
world and loved by all alike."

As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump
in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"

Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio!!"

Claimed to be from a book called Disorder in the American Courts. (This stuff really happened... so it claims...)

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty -year -old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent
to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

I am not sure if this link works, it's to an amazon reader view of the book:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/0393319 ... eader-link